Facing problems and challenges directly

Our determination to lead a good life is measured by the belief that is the expectations you hold to be true. What it means is how strong is your belief and how prepared you are to live above these circumstances. That is the challenge. Your life's journey is not going too easy.


You were never told that you would not face sickness, turmoil, or major challenges. If you live long enough, you will be challenged! There are plenty of adversities in our lives but on the positive side you would also have the joy of the comfort of others. Here are some effective ways you can deal with conflict and adversity in our life.

1. Face it directly - do not shy away from problems or challenges. Sometimes this can be accomplished by quiet time or meditation.
2. Set aside a time to deal with it. Sometimes when you are experiencing a trauma or challenge in your life it is not always the right time to deal with it then. You need to step away from the situation and live above it. This is all part of your personal development factor that is your shield.
3. Refuse to endorse in inappropriate behavior. Knowing that we live in a corrupt world explains wrongdoing that permeate society.
4. Problems are an opportunity to grow. Be aware that each challenge is an opportunity to grow and to increase your determination in dealing with adversity. What can you learn from this situation? How did your belief help you overcome the problem? Who do you know who can help you?
5. Avoid dwelling on the problem. Have you used affirmations in the past with little results from them? The problem with traditional affirmations is that they usually place the emphasis on the power of the words. However, the words themselves don't matter a bit when sending out electro-magnetic energy about what it is you really want. What does matter? the feelings you bring up as you say the words. The Law of Attraction works according to your attitude which is Thought-Feeling-Action. You can recite "I'm healthy, wealthy" or whatever it is you desire for years - but if you don't feel healthy or wealthy, and you don't really believe you are, guess what will happen? Nothing!

Here's the most powerful type of affirmation you can think of it is a "Feeling" affirmation, and interestingly enough you don't even have to use words at all. It's all about the feeling, feelings you communicate to the universe.


To do a "Feeling" affirmation you would simply set aside five minutes a day, find a quiet place to be alone, and then you would focus on feeling the essence of already having what you want. What would it feel like to already have it. Would you feel happy, relieved, peaceful, insecure? Focus on feeling that way right now. Pretend you've got plenty of what you want. Focus only on experience of having what you want.


That's it! When you do this, you create endless possibilities for the universal energy field to answer your request.

Destinguishing between want and need

Distinguishing our wants and our need is an essential part of realising our dreams. While many of us may want a fancy car or a new wardrobe, or a number of other things, we don't necessarily need to have them in order to lead a joyful, productive life.


There's one mantra many of us need to be reminded to incorporate into our life "All I have is all I need." Now I want to make it clear that this mantra doesn't mean that you can't desire or obtain material things in your life. You certainly can. But while we wait patiently for our desires to take hold, most of us need to be reminded of the abundance that we do have. This perspective brings us the issue of the water in the glass. Should we focus on what we don't have, or on what we do have?


It is important to appreciate the positive things around us. Recognising our assets and giving gratitude for them makes for a very powerful situation to leave joyfully in the present as well as to set the stage to attract more of what you want.


The easiest way to do this is to write down in a journal at least three things you're grateful for each day. I speak from experience when I say that after a week of doing this simple exercise you will feel happier. Should you run into an obstacle that is preventing you from realising one of your dreams, take out your journal and read down the list of things you wrote and you will feel a force of positive energy surge through your body.


Remember above all, it is the person you become and no the things you acquire that is most important. The universe is on your side. You're moving forward.

Couples Counseling

How to get the most from your Couples Therapy

I have created this article to provide clarity and focus to our work together.  Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of Couples Therapy.  I have found that most couples approach therapy with the notion that each person will describe their distress and somehow the therapist will assist them to create a happier more functional relationship.  They expect to learn some new or better skills.  However, most people hope that their partner will do most of the learning in problem areas.  It doesn’t work quite that way.
Your job is to create your own individual goals for being in therapy.  My job is to help you set and reach these goals.  I have many, many tools to help you become a more effective partner – they work best when you are clear about how you aspire to be as a partner.

Goals of Couples Therapy

The major part of Couples Therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between the two of you.  Therapy becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.  The key tasks are:
~ The kind of life you want to build together
~ The kind of partner you aspire to be
~ Your individual blocks to becoming that partner
~ The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above task

Tradeoffs and tough choices

To create sustained improvement in your relationship you need:
~ A vision of the life you want to build together
~ To have a life separate from your partner because you’re not joined at the hip.
~ The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team
~ The motivation to persist
It takes effort to sustain improvement over time: staying conscious of making a difference over time, remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative, etc.  It takes effort to remember and act.
There is often a conflict between short term gratification and the long term goal of creating a satisfying relationship.  The blunt reality is that in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on each person’s part to make a sustained improvement.  It is like pairs figure skating, each person has a job to do to sustain balance together.

How to maximize value from your Couples Therapy sessions

Some of the common unproductive patterns are:
~ Showing up and saying, “I don’t know what to talk about, do you?”  It becomes a hit or miss process.
~ Focusing on the latest problem.  This is a reactive, ineffective approach.
~ Discussing fights or arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn.  This is very often just an exercise in spinning your wheels.
A more effective way is:
1. Reflect on your goals for being in therapy
2. Think about your next step that will support your larger goal
3. Have a journal where you write important thoughts and collect newly acquired information, and review frequently.

Important concepts

Attitude is the key!
Identifying what to do is often easy.  The bigger challenge is why you don’t do it.
Think differently about a problem… Albert Einstein said: “We can’t solve problems using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
Realizing that each one of you has some flawed assumptions about your partner’s motives is a sign of maturity.
Focus on changing yourself rather than your partner!!!
Couples Therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself.  You can’t change your partner, your partner cannot change you.  You can influence each other.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it……
Fear lets you know you’re not prepared.  If you view fear in that way, it becomes a signal to prepare the best you can.
You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle it.
The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.
It’s not what you say.  It’s what they hear!
Can you expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?
If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?

About communication

We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.  We need to pay attention to:
~ Managing emotions, such as anger that may be too intense
~ How you’re communicating – whining, blaming, being sarcastic, criticizing, etc.
~ What you want from your partner during the discussion
~ What outcome you want from the discussion
~ Your partner’s major concern
~ How you can help your partner become more responsive to you

Some final thoughts

You can’t create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what’s wrong, but it’s a start.
Love is destroyed when self-interests dominate.  Learn to love your partner on their terms.
Knowledge is not power.  Only knowledge that is applied is power.
Business and marriages fail for the same three reasons.  A failure to:
~ Learn from the past
~ Adapt to changing conditions…be flexible
~ Predict probable future problems and take action…be proactive
Effective change requires insight plus action.  Insight without action is passivity.  Action without insight is impulsivity.  Insight plus action leads to clarity and power.
If you want to create a win-win situation, you have to help your partner to win too!
PS     
Please download this document, keep it in your journal and bring it to your sessions for discussion
 Adapted from Peter Pearson, Ph.D,  Articles for Couples